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Sunday, May 22, 2011

The value of being optional...

I sometimes overthink my life. I say sometimes, but really it's quite often. This results in me taking something that I logically know and twisting it through my own warped mind into a new creation that often bears little resemblence to it's true form. This is sometimes the case with a single sentence. I read the inflection wrong and spend the next several hours trying to figure out what it actually means and coming up with the variation that is most detrimental to me.

I thought this little quirk was odd until I discovered that a lot of other people do this as well. Mostly women. I don't know why, but men don't seem to be wired this way as much. Those that love me try and curb this annoying tendency to overthink things because it leaves me confuzzled and bewildered. Squashing this trait rarely works... but every once in a while something someone will say gets through to me and sticks in my head and I actually have a revelation while overthinking something.

I remember crying on a friend's shoulder one night about how I felt optional in my relationship, that he didn't need me, that I was extra and that I didn't know what to do about it. She quietly responded with a simple sentence. "You ARE optional. You just need to decide if you are ok with that."

*blink* Wait, what? That wasn't what I was expecting her to say. I was expecting her to give me platitudes and make me feel better in the moment, but life isn't easy, relationships aren't simple and my guy has a lot going on in his life. She knows this, I've always known this, but I constantly forget. I somehow get lost in that. It was enough to pop me out of my pity party while I pondered and we had some giggles about other things and talked about how Eric from True Blood is probably just waiting for me to call him to ask him to go skydiving or something, you know, important stuff, and I felt better.

A little later that night I began to feel sorry for myself again. THIS is something I really do try to avoid. It's kinda sucky to feel sorry for yourelf and it's really not all that productive. Besides, you never know when to be done. And I was sitting here watching a movie and wishing I was watching it with him, wrapped up in his arms, feeling loved when it hit me.

I AM loved. In fact the very fact that I am optional should highlight that for me.

op·tion·al   /ˈɒpʃənl/ [op-shuh-nl]
1. left to one's choice; not required or mandatory
2. leaving something to choice.

He doesn't have to spend time with me, he makes the choice to spend time with me because he loves me. Oh. Wow. He wants to. He does have a LOT going on, and he takes time to be with me more than almost any other couple I know. He spends quality time with me, listening to me, sharing, laughing, talking.

And I think of my earlier words...I am optional.
I am.
So yes, I guess I'm ok with that..There is value in being optional.
I don't think I'd want to be mandatory.

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